Simple rules for effective communication

Communication is a verbal and emotional exchange of energy which can be extremely effective if properly directed. Many couples today face challenges in their relationships because they fail to communicate effectively with their partner.

Listed below are some simple guidelines for meaningful and purposeful communication which can help to resolve issues rather than magnify them:

1. Always focus on the Here and Now

It is always important to avoid cross references to the past. When we continuously bring up past issues then we are stripping from the person the ability to make a change NOW. People are willing to make changes and may be desiring to do so but constant to past issues puts the other person on the defensive.

2. Focus on 'I' messages

When a person talks about his own feelings, the other's compassion naturally arises. Instead of focusing on the other person's actions and criticizing them, it is better to explain how the situation is affecting the speaker himself/herself. This negates the belief that a critical attitude is being adopted and a blame game is being initiated. Instead it becomes a means of communicating your own vulnerability.

3. Use Specifics; no Generalizations

Effective communication occurs when a specific problem or issue is addressed. Generalizations are a broad spectrum of attitudes and beliefs which cannot be changed all at once. Pick up one particular issue, deal with the effect it is having at this present time and how it affects the speaker, and then try and resolve the issue through dialogue. Specifics can be addressed. Generalizations cannot be changed.

4. No Bunching and Dumping

Sometimes there are a number of issues which need to be resolved. However, a comfortable and effective dialogue can be undertaken when a whole host of grievances are not bunched together and dumped on the other. This creates a hostile environment and there is a tendency for the other person to withdraw into silence or erupt in anger.

5. Employ a feedback mechanism

It is always best during communication to explain what you speak. This ensures that there will be less emotional volatility during the verbal process and it will guarantee you a response. It is essentially an attempt to draw out the other person's thoughts and feelings also so that any changes in perception can be monitored and any common ground between the participants can be drawn out.

These are very simple but tremendously effective and powerful means of diffusing the emotional charge especially when situations of marital discord are being dealt with. Every human being is a unique individual and emotional compatibility is best achieved when this uniqueness is acknowledged and appreciated and yet some attempt is made to find grounds of common interest rather than wanting to change the other person into one's own perception of the ideal.